15 Best Jokes From the Charlie Sheen Roast!

Next Monday Comedy Central will air the footage shot from this Weekend’s Charlie Sheen Roast. Ironically airing the same day as Ashton’s premiere on Season 9 of “Two And A Half Men”.

There is no doubt a lot will be cut, just to keep the show moving, and it was obvious that some roasters shouldn’t be roasting.  Do you remember the Situation during the Donald Trump Roast?  That was indeed a “situation”.

The Roasters included: William Shatner,  Kate Walsh, Jon Lovitz, Patrice O’Neal, Amy SchumerMike Tyson, Steve-O, Jeffrey Ross . . . and “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, who served as the “roast master.”

15. “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” – Jon Lovitz:

14. “According to the Torah, Charlie’s a Jew. Not because his mother’s Jewish. But because CBS paid him $50 million and he still sued the network.” -Jon Lovitz:

13. “Of course they fired you, Charlie. Every time the writers tried to put new lines in the script, you’d try to snort them.” – Ross

12. “Charlie, no one can make fun of your iconic films. Platoon. Wall Street. Platoon. Wall Street.” – Ross

11. “Charlie, the crazy thing is that you thought you could keep your job after calling your boss a ‘Jew kike’. If people could keep their jobs after calling their boss a ‘Jew kike’, then everybody would do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik

10. “Charlie and I have a lot in common. We both love porn, we’ve each done a ton of drugs, and neither of us are actors.” – Steve-O

9. “Two and a Half Men is so bad that it stars Jon Cryer.” – Amy Schumer

8. “Charlie, you’re how old? 46? Then how come we look like we went to high school together?” – William Shatner

7. “Don’t you want to live to see your kids take their first 12 steps?” -Jeff Ross

6. Comparing Sheen to Bruce Willis: “You were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” – Amy Schumer

5. “This roast is so full of nobodies, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” – Jeff Ross

4. “Your nose is like my ass, there’s nothing you won’t shove up there” – Steve O

3. Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he’s ever faced — except the letter S.” — Seth MacFarlane

2. “Charlie, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is that God hates Michael J. Fox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

1. “You’re how old, Bill? 80? Well, the next time you star in a series, it’ll be called Shit My Dad Is Sitting In.” – MacFarlane to Shatner

So the question is, will you be watching The Roast or “Two and a Half Men” next Monday.

-Cosmo