Michael Douglas Oral Sex Confusion!

Yesterday, we reported the strange and slightly disturbing news that Michael Douglas’ throat cancer was caused by oral sex. He went downtown and paid the ultimate price. He revealed the shocking news during an interview with The Guardian. During the interview he seemed to admit that the type of cancer he had came from oral sex. The human papillomavirus, which kind of sounds like something you get after eating too much Taco Bell.

Anyway, now a spokesman for the actor is claiming that he never said oral sex was the cause of his cancer…

“In a discussion with the newspaper, they talked about the causes of oral cancer, one of which was oral sex, which is noted and has been known for awhile now.” spokesman Allen Burry said. It should be noted that health officials admit that drinking and smoking are the main causes of oral cancer, but the human papillomavirus can cause throat cancer. Although, health officials admit that it is mostly known to cause cervical cancer.

So, what exactly is going on here? Did he get throat cancer from trimming the bush? Or did he get it from years of smoking and drinking? Well, The Guardian has released the audio of the interview and the transcript. Take a look at the exchange below and you will see that Douglas was pretty clear in his answer…

Reporter: Do you feel, in hindsight, that you overloaded your system? Overloaded your system with drugs, smoking, drink?

Michael Douglas: No. No. Ah, without getting too specific, this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.

I don’t know about you, but that seems to be pretty clear to me. He clearly says that cunnilingus is to blame and not drinking or smoking. Perhaps, he just doesn’t want to admit that all of his smoking and drinking caused it? Maybe he’s embarrassed? I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, wouldn’t this be even more embarrassing?” Not really. Guys like to brag about this kind of stuff all the time. If I was in his same position and I had to explain to my friends that I had throat cancer, I’d much rather blame it on something in the bedroom.

Your buddies will be like, “What? You have cancer? That’s horrible, man. Was it all those cigarettes?” and then you’d say, “No. I got it from going down on this chick.” and then they would be like, “OHHHH SNAP! NO WAY! YOU DOG!” And then you’d all go out for drinks and bacon…because that is what men do.